June 2, 2014

In a blog about advice before marriage, why are two out of the first three posts devoted to divorce?  Because a marriage based on preparing against the possibility of divorce will be less likely to end in one.  If you are not mindfully rejecting divorce as an option in your relationship, you are unprepared for marriage.  Do you know anything now, about yourself or your intended, which might cause a rupture in your relationship so large as to be irreparable?   If you do, and you can’t talk about it, that’s a signal you need to listen to.  Why can’t you talk about it?  Is it your own fault or fear?  Is it a fear of reaction in the other?  If you don’t know anything now that could grow into permanent failure, why don’t you?  Is it because you haven’t thought about it, you haven’t scrutinized each other and the infrastructure of your bond?  Are you blissfully ignorant?  In divorce, there is no blissful ignorance.  So ask yourself, and ask each other: why are you together?  What are you together?  What is the purpose of marriage?  What is your mission in getting married? What important differences may be likely to develop when tethered to one another?  About money?  About children?  About lifestyle?  Do you think marriage is a coupling or a union?  Does it result in one entity, two entities or three entities?   If these questions seem too metaphysical, a nice concrete place to start is to decide how you want your marriage to differ from and/or imitate your parents’ marriages.   I’m not saying your answers today will determine the strength of your marriage.  I am saying that the wisdom embedded in the “til death do us part” vow deserves informed and considered respect.