Let’s say you’ve hit a rough patch.  This could be a divorce-threatening rough patch or just any old rough patch.   So you talk to your friends about it, right?  About the inadequacies of your spouse, the injustices you have to carry every day.  You ask your friends, “Why doesn’t s/he clearly see how wrong s/he is?”   Your friends are likely to be nodding in agreement, “you poor baby,” and “you’re so right,” or they simply join in the criticism of your partner.  Says your friend “I never thought he/she was your type” or “he/she has never put you first.”  That’s the kind of support you can expect from most “friends”. 

Here’s the first big problem: your behavior.  Do you talk about your other friends that way?  Why, in adulthood, is the last person you stop being catty about is your best friend, your partner, your wife/husband?   You’ve matured to the point you don’t talk about other friends to friends, yet you still believe it’s OK to talk about your spouse.  What if your beloved (supposedly) actually heard what you were saying?  Would you be embarrassed?  Would you be sorry?  Would your relationship suffer?

A second big problem: venting to your friends tends to reinforce your view of the world instead of thinking about your partner’s view of the world. Spoken words intensify your beliefs.  The more often you cite the same complaint, the deeper you hold it.  Whereas before you thought you might be right, now you know you are right.  And the more friends you talk to the more right you get.  Well, that’s sure helpful, isn’t it?   Nope.  It’s not.   What do you learn from listening only to people who agree with you?

If you are lucky enough to have a friend who will be truthful with you, who will tell you that you are wrong, who will tell you that being right isn’t as important as being in the relationship, that’s a friend worth talking to.   A good and true and thoughtful friend will search for your partner’s viewpoint.  This friend will help you see where you might be wrong, to help you go home committed to smoothing out the rough patch instead of knowing how right you are.  This friend is worth listening to.